I miss my Dad

Today would have been his birthday. For the last I don’t know how many years, he’d always come up over his birthday and hang out with us for what was initially a week, then turned into two most years.

So I’m sad today. I really feel his absence from my life today. It is better than it used to be because I no longer feel paralyzed by it like I did before. It is still strong enough to be a little bit of a drag on my motivation to do stuff, like getting the materials to frame the shed this weekend. Part of me just wants to punt the shed until the middle of August from a scheduling point of view. But I really want to get it up and get stuff moved over and out of my garage so I have more space to work.

I ordered the parts so I can start putting the carbs back together. I’m missing a part from each one (as I’m trying to keep parts together). I hope it runs when I get everything assembled :). This is kind of the biggest, most involved engine project I’ve done so far. Carburetors are ingenious devices, as an amazing amalgam of fiddly bits to work together across the RPM range. It is no wonder they can be a little finicky, though.

There is a part of me that really wants to try to fuel inject it over the winter, but it won’t be a cheap project. And I don’t know that it is really worth putting the money into it. Although I like the bike, I don’t know if this is a long term bike for me or not. If I can get it back on the road soon, I can get more miles under my belt and maybe have a better idea before winter downtime. The controller (microsquirt, probably) is the most expensive part of the upgrade. I’m a little concerned about finding throttle bodies small enough to work, although I could probably get some restrictor plates whipped up along with the mounting adapters. I’d be excited about the programming part of it, but I’d be a little leery of getting all the mechanical/airflow stuff sorted out correctly. Probably be easier to save up for a newer bike, but not as much of an accomplishment.

Second Interruption of Service

Yes, the second contiguous interruption of service was caused by my Mac finally refusing to display anything on the built-in display. As you can imagine, this did make it sort of difficult to use. Five days later, it is sporting a brand new display and logic board, and we’re back in business. The weekend felt hectic but good. Due to scheduling issues, both of our date afternoons ended up on the same weekend. It was almost like a mini weekend getaway. Having quiet lunches where we could sit and talk, or play hang man, two days in a row was quite a treat. We even went to see a movie (Inception) the one afternoon since we had done the most important shopping the day before.

I’m making a conscious effort to be more proactively open with Becky. So far the fallout seems mostly negative. Oh well. I feel like our relationship now is a weird mix of nothing has changed and everything has changed. I know those probably seem mutually exclusive. In this case, though, I feel like they can coexist without contradiction. Becky’s friendships with other guys is one of those areas. A lot has changed, including in part her motivations for pursuing them and the lengths that she will go to in order to preserve them. But at the same time, the beccarose parts aren’t gone, they’re just not as dominant. So there are still some of those old motivations hanging around. So we continue to have some of the same fights about it, especially when it comes to one-on-one time with those friends.

I’m waiting for the pool to finish filling so I can turn off the hose and then go take a shower. Between mowing (gas and grass), and blowing out the carb #2 body from dip #2, I don’t really want to go to sleep without washing up.

Interruption of Service

No, the interruption of service was not caused by a reaction to anything I said this last time around. With Grandma Stevens passing away and Becky going to VA with her parents, life has just been a little busy. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to blog while Becky was gone as sometimes my thoughts take me down a lonesome road in old Mexico - oh wait - that is Skippy Jon Jones... But seriously, they take me to some darker places and I didn’t want to possibly end up there while Becky was 4-7 hours away.

The danger of plans and expectations

Well, I re-learned the lesson about holding my time loosely in a very real way. I was wrapped up in plans for working on the motorcycle after the kids were in bed only to come home to a house that was way too hot for the kids to sleep. So I spent the time installing the air conditioners, working around the messes in the older two girls rooms, losing my temper and chewing them both out about the messes, snapping at Becky, and in general being disagreeable and irritating and stressful to my family. Not being salt and light by any stretch of the imagination.

Apologizing to the kids the next morning was as humbling as ever. Maybe one of these times it will provide enough chagrin to make the lesson stick for the rest of my life, instead of just a few months at best.

Grandma Stevens passed away while I was working on the air conditioners. I stopped to check my phone on a whim while moving fans and saw the text from Janet. I passed the news on to Becky by leaning out Liam’s open window and talking to her while she was in the pool with the kids. It was kind of surreal in a way. Very matter of fact in the middle of the bustle of life.

Wife Number 3

So yes, the title is a little tongue-in-cheek and a little serious. With everything going on with Becky right now, I kind of feel like I’m married to wife #3, without any real courtship / getting to know / etc phase. We’re just dropped into a marriage with 4 kids / a house / etc. For the most part, I think wife #3 is the best of the lot. It remains to be seen how some of this will play out in the long run, and if this phase/personality/etc sticks around, but I think the logical ability to think through consequences will be a great help.

It has been encouraging, as well, as some of the stuff I was saying throughout last year she’s finally seeing the truth of, when it came to where she was at, and how she was really treating me. Maybe if she does slide in that direction again, she’ll take what I say seriously this time around instead of ignoring it or dismissing it.

It isn’t a complete change. A lot of her base likes/dislikes have stayed the same. Which is good, especially for the ones that I’ve finally started to accept over the last few years that have resonated with me as I figure out who I really am and want to be. And yes, I probably could be more vague, but I’d have to work at it... ;)

No matter what, we’re still friends. I think that is one of the things that surprises most of the people who we have talked to about last year. Even in the midst of some serious stress on the marriage part of our relationship, we stayed friends and were able to hang out/talk/have a good time.

I’m feeling a little better about the bike, having finally made some progress on the disassembly. The screws attaching the carbs to the brackets were ridiculously tight, but I managed to get them all out. The intake screws are still all messed up / not budging so those could be another story. I might have to drill them out. I hope not as I already have some better screws to replace the current ones. If I end up having to rethread or insert them I won’t be able to reuse them. I think I’m going to look for some similar style replacement screws for the carb brackets. (stainless steel / allen heads).

There was a ton of crud on the mains, so I’m hoping that when it goes back together, it will run a bit richer, and not drop out around 6k like it did sometimes under acceleration. Once I have the carbs put back together and the intake sorted out, it just needs a valve adjustment, an oil change, and a trip to the shop for fork seals and an inspection. I’m still on the fence about trying to do the fork seals myself, but I really don’t want to.

We’re going to try to take the kids to the fireworks tonight. I guess we’ll see how it goes. I’m a little concerned that Lorelei will freak out with the noise.

Celebrate our countries independance

By blowing a little bit of it up!

I’m sitting here blogging while Becky is sitting at the other table blogging, with the odd IM flying back and forth between us as we try to have a lower key more practical discussion about relationships.

I know a lot of people don’t understand how much we communicate over IM. I think it has its good points (neither of us overreact to perceived tones that may or may not actually be present, the kids don’t automatically show up like they do for phone calls or face-to-face chats, and on my end, at least, there is a record for me to reflect back on) and its bad points (drastically reduces emotional context, etc).

Today's ups and downs

Becky is over helping Dawn with some clean up and organization. I’m doing my best to watch the kids and not be overbearing or overprotective. We went to Skyline park for little while, but ran out of water after an hour so we came back home for lunch. (Water fountain there was dead and I didn’t realize the gallon of water that used to be in the van was no longer there.)

As soon as the current Baby Einstein is over I’ll put the two little ones in their rooms for quiet time. I was thinking about trying to bike / have the older girls Wii during it, but I’m not sure I’m up for it. Well, the little kids are in their rooms but not settled.

Becky’s documented a lot of what she prayed for when she was praying about our kids. My main prayers were reasonably healthy, happy would be nice, not overwhelmingly whiny, and in a bit of absolute selfishness, not slow. Unfortunately Lorelei and Liam, Lorelei in particular, are whiners, with a tone that just sets my nerves on edge. Pre-omeprazole, it was an instant ticket to acid reflux. Now that isn’t always a guarantee, but it still just sets my nerves on edge.

I did end up biking while the girls played Wii after the little kids settled, although Liam never slept. And then once everyone was awake and reasonably pleasant we went out for McDonalds (kids) Arbys (adults) and took food over to Becky and Dawn and marveled at the progress they had made! (For real, they did an amazing amount of work).

When we came back, with an hour or so of work I got two more screws out of the one carb bracket so I could completely remove it. Tried to get some others out but they’re not really budging. Kinda frustrating.

Fought with Becky a bit about the same old, same old. Not covering exactly the same ground, but not making much forward progress either.

Closing out the week

Well, this week has been oddly hectic, not leaving a ton of time to introspect and blog. Probably for the best. I got one of those ‘something bad’ feelings yesterday. It came after we were planning our 10th anniversary getaway to the shore. Becky was sleeping, and I though by writing to her about it that it would help. But it didn’t. All it did was panic her. To the point where she was convinced at 5AM this morning that she was going to die before our anniversary. So she blogged about it. And while the blog entry was encouraging from the point of view that her new attitudes and convictions shone through, I didn’t enjoy reading it. Thinking about her dying that soon is pretty stressful for me. I know I would survive that magnitude of loss. I would even do my best to help the kids cope with it. But I still really hope that isn’t the real meaning. By the end of her blog post she wasn’t sure either, so that was a relief. I still don’t have clarity or meaning for it.

I started trying to strip down the carbs yesterday evening, and ran into a bunch of locked up screws. Even PB Blaster hasn’t loosened stuff up yet. I’ve cam-ed out two on the carb bracket. I cam-ed out one on the intakes, but I already have stainless allen screws to replace those with, so even if I have to slot those it won’t matter. I’m seriously thinking about replacing all the ones on carb brackets as well. It is ridiculous how tight they lock up, and how hard it is to get leverage to turn a locked up phillips. That has majorly slowed down progress, making for a grumpy Becky since she wanted it ridable for work on Tuesday. IDK, it still might be, although with the leaky fork seal I need to get it in and get that replaced / get it inspected before I ride it a bunch. I debated trying to do that myself as well, and I’m just not sure I’m up for that level of irritating fiddling yet. The carbs are proving enough of a trial for my patience/focus/endurance.

Reflections

So I was talking with Becky some this morning about my experiences in high school, and how life would look a lot differently if I knew then what I know now. And then it hit me. There is a major part of me that really wouldn’t want to take advantage of that knowledge because it would change the present. And while the road to get here has been brutal at spots, for the first time in a long time, I’m pretty happy and at peace with where I’m at. And Becky is as well. Which is a new experience for us, as historically we’ve pretty much never been on the same page when it comes to state of mind/emotions/etc.