Am I a quitter?

Do I give up too easily?

Why can't I keep on fighting for something that I really believe in even when it feels like a lost cause?

Does that mean that I don't really believe it anymore deep down in my core? Am I deluded in my conscious thought patterns? Am I just giving in to peer pressure? Expectations of friends and family and church?

Am I afraid of the unknown? Preferring the miserable but known present?

Is my lack of passion in fighting for the lost cause the missing ingredient that would turn the tide?

These are the questions that churn through my head. The thoughts that I wish I could silence for some peace. I have answers for some, but even those answers raise questions of their own. Are they how I really am or just how I want myself to be. How I was at some point in the past?

I think that I look forward to the challenges of the future and change. I used to pride myself on taking on new problems and learning new tools.

I've had a few different fitness goals that I've failed at over the last year. I'm not at a bad place health wise. I weigh less than I have for a decade. I'm stronger and more capable as well. I know some of the reasons why I failed at them, including at least one of the goals being way too aggressive. However, I also don't always fight through things that complicate the pursuit of those goals. I can falter when I have minimal external support. (Especially when support is lacking in my immediate relationships.) Why isn't wanting it for myself always enough?

I used to pursue learning new things on my own with more energy and passion. I have tried a few times over the last two years to get a minimum viable rails project finished, but I never seem to make it past a weekend or two.

Same goes for my motorcycle. It took me a year and a half to get some simple maintenance done on it and in the end I had to let my best friend take over to actually get it done. There were a lot of emotional issues that go along with that particular project but delaying it just denied me that outlet and release. Although it did also deny me a potentially more dangerous outlet for when I was feeling fey and prone to taking unnecessary chances. So maybe there was some provenance at work there as well.

I gave up blogging in this blog for a while because it caused too much conflict even though I had found it helpful in organizing and processing my thoughts. I tried a more private blog but it didn't provide the same clarity.

I know this has jumped around a lot. I think part of the question I am asking myself is "what do I truly believe?" What are the core things that make me who I am?

I have been accused of being a chameleon. I tended to think of it as being the reed that bends before the wind so it does not break. I think it is a survival strategy but not necessarily a way to thrive and grow into who you really want to be. Everyone conforms somewhat to the groups of people they surround themselves with, in both positive and negative ways. But I have often allowed myself to be more conformant than necessary. Even in more intimate relationships I have often tried to be who the other person said that they wanted instead of being true to myself. Not that they were always in opposition. Being able to put the other person first isn't always bad, it is just a question of degree I think.

I will stop writing before I go any further afield tonight. Even just writing this out has raised some more questions to think about. I think I'll jot them down for my next entry.

A Letter to my Love

I lie in bed next to you. Listening to you breathe. Hoping that you are sleeping well, not troubled by the dreams that often plague you.

I know tonight was difficult. I know you don't like facing painful memories. I wish that you could understand that I love you. I only want the best for you (and for our children).

I have loved you for a long time. Even though the nature of that love has changed and grown over the years its existence has endured. In my darkest hours it was there as a fundamental truth. In our darkest hours it was the flickering of hope that refused to be extinguished no matter how adversity howled.

I wonder if you will be next to me when I wake. If you will choose to sneak away in the night for a temporary escape, or a permanent one. I hope not. And I pray not.

I pray a lot for you. Not that you would change. But that you would know love and peace. That you would have a good night's sleep. And if God wills, physical healing.

I pray for change in myself. That I could be the husband that you need, if not always the one you want. That I can provide the support and encouragement you need to fulfill your potential and face your troubles. That I can be the safety and shelter you need when you get overwhelmed by life.

Most of all, I love you. Plain and simple.

143,
YWS