So, as I foretold in my initial entry, my postings have been pretty sporadic. I've tried to start a few others, but got interrupted, or the issue got resolved, or something else happened to invalidate the attempt.
Things are mostly better than when I wrote the last post, although they definitely got worse for a while there. I think everything is finally on the table, so I can process it and move on. I'm trying to work through it as quickly as possible, because my wife is at a different spot dealing with it and my efforts and questions are just making it harder for her. Of course, she started realizing and working through it in March, and was finally honest with me about it last week, so she does have quite a bit of a head start.
I've managed to be a little more open with my emotions since my last post. My practical side still kills the moment more often than not, but I'm aware of it more quickly these days. Usually not in time to salvage it, but hey, progress is progress, even if slow.
And yes, the title to this entry was shamelessly stolen from a Weird Al song.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Endings and Beginnings
"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation." Henry David Thoreau
Evidently this is a popular blog title as the first few variants I came up with were already taken. And while I must admit that as a title it is a little more emo than I usually am, it was the one thought that kept coming to mind as I was rocking the kids tonight to get them back to sleep. Unfortunately, my brain is so fried these days from being tired and stressed that I couldn't even remember who said it at first.
I know, everybody thinks that they are special and could really accomplish something with their lives but few people ever do. I guess I've just been confronted on many levels recently with how little of meaning I've accomplished. And it has been quite sobering.
In school I was always lazy, usually only putting in the minimum effort required to do the assignment and get a good grade. If something really caught my attention I'd go all out on it until I either finished it or got over whatever challenge was motivating me. College was a bit worse at first, as I lost even the minimum motivation to succeed. Eventually I ran into enough roadblocks career-wise that I went back and finished my degree. Even there, though, I rarely put more than the minimum effort required. Overall, I probably put more effort into some of my elective courses, picking a few that really challenged me personally. Those sort of put a focus to another issue in my life: the technical skills can be there but the supporting emotion is often lacking.
I think that lack of emotion is part of why I am drawn to relationships that are ultimately unsuccessful. When I try to figure out why I am so emotionally neutered, I find my thoughts wandering to a few particular incidents in my life. When I was a lot younger I had a nasty temper. When I was in second grade, I got angry and threw a kaleidoscope that my teacher had given me. She meant a lot to me, and we were moving away from the area so it was one of the few tangible links I had to her. The remorse I felt at losing that kaleidoscope was the catalyst for me to start working on controlling my temper. I think I over-reacted in some ways, but I did get my temper a lot more under control. My emotions and reactions are a lot more processed now.
I've never been very good at journaling-type activities, so I guess I'll see how long this lasts. If nothing else, maybe this will be something for my kids when they're older.
Evidently this is a popular blog title as the first few variants I came up with were already taken. And while I must admit that as a title it is a little more emo than I usually am, it was the one thought that kept coming to mind as I was rocking the kids tonight to get them back to sleep. Unfortunately, my brain is so fried these days from being tired and stressed that I couldn't even remember who said it at first.
I know, everybody thinks that they are special and could really accomplish something with their lives but few people ever do. I guess I've just been confronted on many levels recently with how little of meaning I've accomplished. And it has been quite sobering.
In school I was always lazy, usually only putting in the minimum effort required to do the assignment and get a good grade. If something really caught my attention I'd go all out on it until I either finished it or got over whatever challenge was motivating me. College was a bit worse at first, as I lost even the minimum motivation to succeed. Eventually I ran into enough roadblocks career-wise that I went back and finished my degree. Even there, though, I rarely put more than the minimum effort required. Overall, I probably put more effort into some of my elective courses, picking a few that really challenged me personally. Those sort of put a focus to another issue in my life: the technical skills can be there but the supporting emotion is often lacking.
I think that lack of emotion is part of why I am drawn to relationships that are ultimately unsuccessful. When I try to figure out why I am so emotionally neutered, I find my thoughts wandering to a few particular incidents in my life. When I was a lot younger I had a nasty temper. When I was in second grade, I got angry and threw a kaleidoscope that my teacher had given me. She meant a lot to me, and we were moving away from the area so it was one of the few tangible links I had to her. The remorse I felt at losing that kaleidoscope was the catalyst for me to start working on controlling my temper. I think I over-reacted in some ways, but I did get my temper a lot more under control. My emotions and reactions are a lot more processed now.
I've never been very good at journaling-type activities, so I guess I'll see how long this lasts. If nothing else, maybe this will be something for my kids when they're older.
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