Evidently this is a popular blog title as the first few variants I came up with were already taken. And while I must admit that as a title it is a little more emo than I usually am, it was the one thought that kept coming to mind as I was rocking the kids tonight to get them back to sleep. Unfortunately, my brain is so fried these days from being tired and stressed that I couldn't even remember who said it at first.
I know, everybody thinks that they are special and could really accomplish something with their lives but few people ever do. I guess I've just been confronted on many levels recently with how little of meaning I've accomplished. And it has been quite sobering.
In school I was always lazy, usually only putting in the minimum effort required to do the assignment and get a good grade. If something really caught my attention I'd go all out on it until I either finished it or got over whatever challenge was motivating me. College was a bit worse at first, as I lost even the minimum motivation to succeed. Eventually I ran into enough roadblocks career-wise that I went back and finished my degree. Even there, though, I rarely put more than the minimum effort required. Overall, I probably put more effort into some of my elective courses, picking a few that really challenged me personally. Those sort of put a focus to another issue in my life: the technical skills can be there but the supporting emotion is often lacking.
I think that lack of emotion is part of why I am drawn to relationships that are ultimately unsuccessful. When I try to figure out why I am so emotionally neutered, I find my thoughts wandering to a few particular incidents in my life. When I was a lot younger I had a nasty temper. When I was in second grade, I got angry and threw a kaleidoscope that my teacher had given me. She meant a lot to me, and we were moving away from the area so it was one of the few tangible links I had to her. The remorse I felt at losing that kaleidoscope was the catalyst for me to start working on controlling my temper. I think I over-reacted in some ways, but I did get my temper a lot more under control. My emotions and reactions are a lot more processed now.
I've never been very good at journaling-type activities, so I guess I'll see how long this lasts. If nothing else, maybe this will be something for my kids when they're older.
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