Funeral for Yesterday

The song, Funeral for Yesterday by Kittie has been stuck in my head all morning. It is one of the tracks off PGR4, which I’ve been playing sporadically for a while now. (Vicarious motorcycle fix since I want to get mine sorted out a little more before riding it a lot as I don’t want to damage it, or me if I cause a serious failure).

The day ended up being a lot more hectic than I had anticipated, with the time that I was going to use for some email/blogging getting chewed up between delivering a bed, dropping off the van for service, and some miscellaneous computer maintenance tasks. Oh well. The pace of change has slowed down enough that every day isn’t as imperative as last time.

Another try

Well, Becky has promised to try and understand and not overreact to journal entries going forwards. I guess we’ll see...

We had an interesting chat this afternoon about being our true selves. (Or being true to ourself.) Obviously, as fallen creatures we can’t give in to every whim and desire, but there are core parts of our personalities that God has given us for a reason. I’ve tended to suppress or channel parts of myself in ways to better conform to unhealthy expectations that other people have had of me. Whether it was pressure from my mom to be an emotional support / sounding board / etc far beyond my years growing up, family pressure to study a particular thing or go a particular direction, Carrie wanting me to keep her safe and make her feel alive until she found her next fix, or Becky wanting me to take care of her and provide for her while offering nothing in return, my relationships with members of the opposite sex have been about trying to conform to what the other person wanted, or thought they did. In the case of Carrie, I did my best to become exactly who she thought she wanted, only to have her realize that wasn’t who she wanted at all.

I tried less hard in some ways with Becky, in part because she is/was a little bit of a chameleon herself, and so we just had the whole mirror bouncing back and forth image. And then there were genuine health issues with Becky that forced me to take on even more responsibility and try to conform even further to what she was asking for / fill in the gaps for her expectations with the children. This was during the time when she was pregnant with Lorelei and then Liam back to back.

I know it is probably silly, but it just clicked for me today that part of the reason I was having such a hard time even thinking about my Dad’s death was that I was drained. I had no emotional reserves left from the previous 2 years, and not really even any physical reserves left. So I just couldn’t deal with it and shut down. That is part of why I didn’t want to get help or counseling. I didn’t want to open that can of worms because I didn’t feel like I had any energy to deal with it. I finally started getting some energy to deal with it and even start the process of figuring out who I really was at least in the physical part of our relationship when she checked out of our relationship. I kinda knew that she had, but I continued to soldier on, but obviously nothing really had any effect, and I was just left feeling drained again.

When she talked that September, some pieces fell into place and we made a little bit of progress, but it shook me pretty hard and killed any confidence I had gained when it came to being myself. And then things just kind of stagnated for a while. I knew she hadn’t been completely honest with me, and kept asking her fairly pointed questions to give her an opportunity to correct this. Finally, in April of this year she finished telling me the truth. Which again shook me pretty hard. Killed any confidence that I had managed to manufacture between September and then, although that wasn’t much because I knew that she hadn’t been fully honest. The degree to which she hadn’t been was pretty hard for me to take. It was very hard not to just shut down and check out myself.

Some parts of me have resumed surfacing. I think she understands some of the parts of me better than she ever did before. She wants to support them as best she can at this point. And support me figuring them out, and what the balance between me and my responsibilities is. I’ve allowed them to consume and define me, in part from necessity (the back to back pregnancies), and in part from that being what she seemed to want from me. She presented me a picture of what she sees in me, and it rings pretty true from reflecting back on my life and when I was happy and fulfilled.

As for her being her, we kind of discussed that as well. She says she’s different and that everything has changed. I see some evidence of that, and some evidence of things not changing. I asked her a pretty pointed question today and while she didn’t lie (which is a change in that facet of her life), she also didn’t really answer the question (not a change), but tap-danced around it instead in a way that would make any old-time Vaudeville performer proud.

I came out of the overall discussions today mostly encouraged. Feeling like parts of the puzzle continue to drop into place. And I also came out inspired to dig deeper into some verses and try to figure out what God is really saying about marriage vs how mainstream Western Christianity spins those verses at this point in time. I also feel a little closer to my Dad, as Becky and I both talked about some good ways that I’m like him. As well as some that are more value neutral or could be bad. :) Of course, the good ways were the parts I’m most proud of, but recognizing the flaws is still a good thing.

An Interesting Experiment?

After what happened over the weekend, I’m not sure if I want to keep blogging. I’ve appreciated the impact on my voice that having an audience provides, but at the same time it seems to be requiring more post-processing to not be misinterpreted. A good bit of the value I’ve found in it so far is the fact that I could be more raw, dump out the thoughts and emotions, and get a little bit of distance and perspective on them. All of my attempts at a private journal before have tapered off due to either a change in the circumstances that triggered the journaling, or just a lack of focus to my voice. Maybe I really only have stuff worth writing about during periods of stress / growth / change. But those periods seem to be a bit too emotionally volatile to share.

And I find that knowing other people are reading this, I can’t even deal with some of my innermost thoughts and feelings. So those remain without an outlet.

I guess I’ll see - maybe I’ll resume this at a later date. Maybe not.

Dear Dad

I don’t know if you’ll be able to read this, wherever you are, but whether or not you ever read it, I need to write it.

I love you more than I was ever able to express. I miss you more than you probably ever knew. But at the same time, I really need to let go. I know it has been two years since you died. And most folks probably would have sorted things out by now. I was devastated when I first found out you were sick, as I knew it was cancer, and that it would be fatal. I shut down after you died, and barely lived my life for a good year or more after you died. And that had an awful, almost irrevocably damaging effect on my family.

I want to apologize for my excessive focus on the shop cleanup tasks when I was down there for part of your final week. My first priority should have been you, spending time with you while you were up for it and doing the cleanup stuff the rest of the time. I hope you didn’t think my focus on the task was from greed. While I appreciated the tools that I was able to bring back, I was focusing on the task because I could see how close death was for you, and it was all I could do to face that and acknowledge it. It was very hard for me to see you so frail and weak, but I should not have let that stop me. I wish that I had gone ahead and taken the extra vacation days, spread out the cleanup and hung out with you when you were able. I wish I had been there when you passed, although given how much of life we spent apart, I guess the distance was appropriate. I wish I had been able to be there when your ashes were spread out over the ocean that you loved so dearly.

I’m thankful for all of your visits up (and my visits down), but I’m very glad we had the final few summer visits as I will cherish them forever. Once we had worked through all the baggage from earlier in our lives, the time spent together was refreshing and peaceful, even if we were wrestling with a stubborn part of a project. I’m glad you were there when Becky announced she was pregnant with Liam, even if you never got to see him in person. You had a much better response to it than I did, and we still talk about it on occasion. I appreciated your candor as you humbly talked about your relationship with Mom, and how you tried to include her whenever possible or appropriate while you were up.

The fact that you were willing to consider the possibility of a PA winter just to be able to spend more time with us and the grandchildren meant the world to me. I know I let hopes/dreams/expectations run ahead of me. That is why the illness was so devastating. I enjoyed your summer visits immensely, and hoped the relocation would have led to those kinds of activities year round (weather permitting). Working with you on a project in the shop, wrenching on the 914 or any other vehicle, or even digging a hole for the window well. Those were all interactions that I craved with you when I was younger, and even though I was an adult with kids of my own, there was a part of me that still felt like that little boy when we did projects together.

In fact, that is why I have to let go of you now. I have my own little boy (and girls). And I realized this week that I was having a really hard time being excited with what they were doing for Father’s day because the dread/fear/sorrow about Father’s day I was feeling were overpowering. That isn’t fair to them. I’ve been much more engaged with Becky lately, and somewhat more engaged with the kids. But I need to let go of that boy and whole-heartedly embrace being a dad for my kids. I may not be the best dad, but they need me, and I need to be there for them as best I can.

Liam crawled under the truck to look at things with me when I was trying to trace the spark plug wires. Unfortunately, he did get upset and leave when I told him not to touch things because the engine was still warm and I didn’t want him to burn his fingers. But it was a moment I’ll treasure. The same with his grin when we put him on my bike today and he reached for the handlebars. (And Lorelei wanted a turn too, which I’m sure doesn’t surprise you.)

It isn’t that I love you any less. Or even miss you any less. I just can’t let it have the same effect on me anymore. I hope you understand.

Love,

Bob

Counseling and Arguments (redacted)

So we had a good counseling session last night. I really do think (and both Becky and they agree) that we’ve finally cleared away enough dreck and dead wood that we’re starting to make progress moving forwards. We even talked about how Thursday went down. And came up with some alternatives in the future for bad days that won’t include her chatting up various guys online and lying to me about how she was doing, but won’t necessarily involve me giving up whatever I was doing either. Not that I would mind, but it makes her feel guilty.

We kind of had a fight/argument/discussion after that, but I think in the end we found some common ground to view some of the communication/questions from. Given her betrayal and prolonged, blatant dishonesty about parts of it, I find myself looking for some reassurance that she’s actually telling the truth. So if I preface questions with that, and she relaxes a little about things so that she’s not always assuming I’m cross examining her if I ask a similar question, I think things will go a little smoother. I don’t understand why that is her first thought, especially with all the obvious differences we’ve identified lately. I asked her one day if she was chatting with Mr Y, and she said not much. Then a little while later it came out that it was an hour and a half. To me, that is more than not much, but more importantly shows how easily misunderstandings and miscommunication creeps in.

(content redacted due to reactions/misunderstandings)

The end of the week was just a little weird for me. I feel like I have too many things currently stacked up in the “nobody I can talk to about it” category. With how things went down with Becky Thursday night and Friday, I realized that there are a few tags piling up in the can’t talk to her about it category. Not necessarily good or bad things, some are just things that happened in my life, discussions I had, etc. Obviously, anything that I can’t talk to her about, I can’t blog about or talk to almost any of my other friends about. Tom is out of town, so maybe I’ll try to get together with him when he gets back.

Final closing random thought before I go work on the truck: I never expected marriage to solve loneliness issues. I really wasn’t prepared for it to aggravate them. Silly me.

I want to live

I want to live and feel alive. For some reason this was the thought running through my head over and over again while I was driving home. Even though I’m not great at it yet, riding a motorcycle is one of those experiences where I feel alive. Every sense engaged. Very much aware of the moment. I know from a risk management point of view that driving my truck is safer. But it doesn’t engage me in the same way.

I feel alive and present in my life at other times. When Becky and the girls were over at her parents and Liam and I were playing, I felt alive and connected to my life in a different way. One on one time with any of the kids is usually really enjoyable and connective. All of them sometimes is a bit overwhelming, but there was one day within the last few weeks when I was lying on the blanket outside after work, just letting them climb over me and then run off and do stuff, rinse, repeat and I was able to just relax and enjoy the interactions and mild chaos.

A solid week

I’ve actually accomplished a solid week of writing something every single day. To someone used to doing it, that might not sound like much. But for me, it is an accomplishment. I keep most of my thoughts on the inside. So letting even this much out on a regular basis feels pretty strange. I know that this blog does not have a huge readership, so it isn’t as big of a deal as it might seem to be.

So, by the time I got home tonight Becky was asleep. Which given her messages over the evening was a bit of a disappointment. She had a really rough day, and shut me out a fair bit (in part to interact with other people (I was also busy trying to work through some problems for a project that needs to get to the customer tomorrow.) I thought we were sort of starting to reconnect via messages, but then it disintegrated and fell apart the rest of the way on the phone. Our classic disconnect under heavy stress. Aggravated by me asking questions in different ways. She views it as cross examination and me trying to catch her slipping up. I’m approaching it as given our miscommunication lately, trying to be sure that we’re actually talking about the same thing, and maybe one wording will be clearer to her than another.

I’m zoning out and falling asleep so I guess I’ll save the rest for another day!

Cold vs Hate

So I was thinking through my screw up yesterday afternoon, and I realized that while I would never hate Becky, I could very easily slide into being cold towards her. Not because I don’t love her anymore, because no matter what I will still love her, but springing from a self preservation / defenses point of view. When I figured out her latency was killing my productivity, I was way too abrupt about closing off communications. I should have thought about it and given some explanation, although that in and of itself would have been an interrupt. She overreacted to my going offline, and so there was that interrupt anyway. I hate disconnecting from her, especially during the afternoon, but since she was talking to Erin it should have been ok. If she IMs me, I feel like I have to respond. I know the afternoon is a dangerous time for her when it is really easy to slip into depression. So I support her napping (although that has done more harm than good the last few days, it seems). Or if she’s not napping I want to be available to her.

She had a dream where I was utterly cold and indifferent to her this spring, and it really shook her up. I think it was part of what played into her finally confessing the final details to me, as she didn’t want it to come to pass in reality. So I’m trying to be very careful in not accidentally appearing cold, but that requires thought and processing as well.

We had it out a little about things I do and don’t appreciate about her in the same way that others have. I tried to explain that I do struggle with focusing on the positive (and have for most of our relationship), but I’m actively in that fight. I also pointed out that there are some of her quirks that are a lot easier to laugh about / celebrate when you’re not the one who gets to shoulder the extra workload that results from it.

I’m genuinely glad that she is taking this experience and using it to help others. I realize that it can involve intensive communication with those people. And that by extension she is less available to me. It’s just a little rough at the moment because of the difference in where we’re at in processing the last year. Sometimes it still really hurts, a lot. And while she is more isolated from it in some ways, I have to face fallout from it on a regular basis.

I’m kind of enjoying these regular brain dumps as a part of walking through the current emotional turmoil. I think it helps me think through, and then set aside issues so I can focus on work, at least most of the time.

Insert Amusing or Witty Title Here

Yesterday turned out to be a pretty awful day. And to cap it all off, at the end of the day Becky had stomped off in a huff once, I lost my temper with Molly, and then failed twice at something that I can usually do without a problem.

The concrete guy called at like 9 to say - hey, I can start a day earlier if that works for you. So I moved the temporary porch over to cover the well (making it easier to see / protecting it from equipment) mostly by myself, although Becky helped with the last 10 feet or so. Oh well, the sooner it is done, the sooner we’ll be able to start doing the shed construction (leaving a month or so to cure.) I have some sturdy shelving possibilities from my father in law (surplus SUN racks from Hershey). Although I don’t want it to become a dumping ground for crap.

I made it through the weekend, but I’m still struggling with sadness/hurt/anger/trust about our relationship. While last Monday was the final piece of the puzzle for Becky and she’s pretty much moved on, I feel like I’m lagging behind. It didn’t change how bad she hurt me, or how that just takes time to heal. It didn’t magically make her trustworthy, and didn’t even really change the importance of trustworthiness to our relationship. The only way it could do that was if what I took away from it was to totally disengage and disconnect, and I really don’t think that was the desired outcome, even if it is tempting at times. Not that it hasn’t helped. Overall I think the tension level in our relationship is way down from where it had been. Which is nice. We’ve had a nice evening or two just hanging out.

Becky keeps saying that I shouldn’t care who she shares with, it is all her issues / bad / etc. Which it isn’t. But even if she doesn’t emphasize the ways that I failed her in a discussion, I think it has the demonstrated potential to make folks a little more uncomfortable with me. And since that is something that I struggle with in the first place, I think it has more of an impact that she realizes.

I know our relationship struggles have had a major impact on the kids, and want to get through things as quickly as possible for their sake as well. I don’t know how to reassure them, or get them calmed down and making progress on their own personal issues again. From her blog post last night, evidently Becky doesn’t either. I think she needs a break from the kids. To go away and have more than just an hour or two off from them. I suggested that she visit her Granny, but she didn’t seem really receptive to that. Probably at least in part because she doesn’t trust me with the kids. After last night, I don’t blame her although it does add to the list of things making me sad.

The mutant mosquito background noise at work is not helping my overall stress level (they have the world cup coverage on in the kitchen area here). I have a mild earache/headache from allergies, so I can’t wear headphones all day.

My Blogging Voice

Becky asked me how honest my blog’s voice was since I knew she was reading it. I guess I would say that anything that gets filtered from this gets filtered more because of it being public than because I know she in particular is reading it.

There are spheres of transparency, I guess. There is the core stuff that she and I talk about that is the most detailed. The next level out is still pretty detailed, at least in some areas and is usually just a few close friends. Then comes family / church family / that level of friendship. Then friends in general. I’d say this blog hovers between the family / church family and normal friends levels. I feel like there are some details that have to be carefully censored to protect all the parties involved. Although I’ve shared some pretty raw emotions in it too, so when it comes to just me and where I’m at, it is probably a little higher. And I did leave out a level (or two) depending on how you want to look at it. While there is a lot of overlap, there is still a section of thinking just in my head / just shared with God (since he knows everything I think implicitly, but I do still explicitly talk to him about some of it.)

I think we’re having a fight this morning and I don’t understand it. I asked what I thought were some normal questions but she got really defensive. We talked through it and she felt like historically those questions would have been more attacking / accusatory. And that she thought I was asking a different question than what I actually asked, one that she felt like she answered before. I think we finally resolved it before I left. And finished the resolution over IM after swimming class was over.

I’m so exhausted. I never sleep as well when she’s out of bed. Even after she came to bed at 2, my sleep was better but not as good as I would have liked. Oh well, that is more my problem than anything.

It bothers me when she keeps asking me/almost expecting me to hate her. It makes me wonder if there is another shoe lurking out there waiting to drop? Carrie did her actions in pretty cold blood, and I don’t hate her. Becky wasn’t nearly as cold or malicious in her motivation so why would I hate her?

I sometimes think she misunderstood or misremembers the revelation that I had as well. It wasn’t that I wouldn’t have it with her, it is that I wouldn’t have it, period. No matter who I was with. So even from a purely pragmatic point of view, why would I want to trade in her (who I love and like and already know the issues) and the kids (who I love and like and already know the issues) for someone else who I would still have no chance of that desire being met with, but also no guarantee of love / like / or even reasonable issues. And since I love her, and like her, and we have a deep and lasting friendship, pragmatism doesn’t even enter into the decision.

A New Day

Well, Becky put me into a reasonably well adjusted mindset before falling asleep at 11:30, so even though I was wide awake at midnight, it wasn’t bad at all. I don’t know if it was intentional or accidental on her part, but appreciated nonetheless.

I was going to try and take the kids to church this morning, but couldn’t deal with Molly’s attitude all by myself. I was concerned that I would do or say something I regretted in the process of trying to get her dressed and out the door, let alone to class or deal with her during the sermon. The one area in her life that hasn’t been helped by school is her attitude at home. I don’t know if it is worse because she keeps it bottled up all day during the day at school and then has to let it all out in a few short hours, or what.

I’m still struggling for motivation for getting chores and things done, but I think that is as much from tiredness and emotional fatigue as depression or sadness. I really don’t think I am depressed these days. I don’t question that I probably was during the low points of dealing (or not dealing) with my dad. I should have gotten some counseling, as I wouldn’t have left Becky feeling isolated.

She’s over at a friends house tonight to hang out and talk. At this point I trust that she is actually over there, although I don’t know how much of that is because I actually trust her or because I’m pretty sure the friend wouldn’t cover for her and I talk to that friend sometimes. Not a great place to be on my part. I’m just not sure how to regrow trust any faster.

One day at a time

Last night was fun. I feel like I started to understand some of the trade-offs in the FATE system a little better. My character didn’t really have any aspects that I felt I could regularly tap without short term consequences, unlike some of the other characters. A Fate/Dresden version of Takeo will need some sort of rethinking otherwise it will starve for fate points. It has lots of long term story hooks, but little in the way of heat of the moment behavior tweaks.

I woke up this morning, feeling like crap. Emotionally and physically exhausted. I was up 4 times between 1AM and 7AM or so. That makes for a less than restful night. Becky was tired as well, but she insisted on getting up so I could sleep in. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get back to sleep. I tried for 45 minutes or so before giving up. I was still feeling really sad, so Becky and I IMed a little back and forth while I stayed in bed. Eventually my back started to hurt so I got up and took a shower, got dressed, and came downstairs while Becky went back to bed. I should have just gotten up with the kids from the start. It is never worth it when Becky tries to get up with them on a Saturday morning.

I miss my Dad, a lot right now. Tonight at midnight it will be two years. The bike both makes me feel a little closer to him as well as reminding me that he isn’t here to help me wrench, or go riding. Having to let go of my desire for our marriage at the same time as the anniversary of losing him is just a little emotionally overwhelming. Having him “retire” and move back up to PA was one of the few things in my life that I would consider a true hearts desire. And that was taken away from me just when it seemed like it was going to actually happen.

We have a ‘date’ afternoon today. I’m feeling very ambivalent about it (in the truest/original sense of the word). I’m excited about it. But I’m also feeling very nervous about it. Both from a saying something stupid / wrecking the mood possibility. As well as just not being sure how to act. I know that probably sounds pretty silly. But with how much of our relationship and expectations have been demolished, I’m just not always sure what is left / what is ok / what might be rushing it / what just doesn’t really have a part. I feel like we’re almost starting at Ground Zero with just our friendship, but we already have the baggage of 9 years of marriage, 4 kids, a house, etc that makes really ‘starting over’ impossible.

I just want to be done with this and on to the next phase. I’m just completely lost as to how to speed that process up in any measurable way. You’d think I’d be a professional when it comes to grieving things these days. But there still doesn’t seem to be any way to drastically accelerate the process as far as I can tell. So all I can do is take it one day at a time, and hope they gradually get better.

Life Goes On

Yesterday was a very tumultuous day. I felt very on edge/uncontrolled/etc almost all day. I tried to joke some about some things, but it was still way too early and they fell flat or ended up into a serious discussion that just wasn’t fruitful.

I just want to be done with this phase of the process. I expected it to be a challenge, but I didn’t realize just how tough it was going to be. Just how deeply ingrained that desire was, and how hard it was going to be to let it go. It is very easy to want to slip back to that place. And even though it doesn’t quite fit anymore (because of what I know), it is still more comfortable due to my long acquaintance with it, than where I am now.

I feel like a lot of me has been bulldozed down to the ground. Which is good for building sturdy new aspects to a relationship, but not a very comfortable or comforting place to be living in the moment.

I’m kind of liking shorter / daily or almost daily snippets. That might give me an interesting perspective on tracking my mood and growth (or lack thereof).

I’m starting to get more comfortable on the bike, going around a truck in standard sportbike-esque fashion on Front Street this morning. I just hope that I’m not doing anything too horrible to it riding it while I assemble the rebuild parts for the carbs/intake.

I just realized that I don’t have a term of endearment that I use with/for Becky on a regular basis. That was a somewhat sad and sobering realization. She doesn’t have one for me either, but it still seems like a strange void, at least culturally.

The Day After

Well, last night was both easier and harder than I had anticipated.

Easier, because all in all it went smoothly, people asked good questions, including one that made it easy for me to share what was on my heart about the role I played in everything. And it is the final intentional confessional type moment that was planned / necessary as far as we know. So it was a relief to get it over with. Becky still has one or two people that she lied to about things that she is resolving as she gets the chance, but that is minor compared to family and church family.

Harder, because I saw something that I really didn’t want to see. I shared the Prophet of Doom thread that has been running through my life, but nobody laughed. And during the course of the meeting, I saw something on the faces of a couple in our group that gave focus to concerns that Becky and I had talked about previously for them. I think our story hit close to home for them. I don’t know exactly how close, and don’t necessarily want to know. But seeing that sort of pain is precisely what makes me to want to run in the opposite direction from my insight (ala Jonah).

Today has been rough. For a number of reasons. I’m still processing what transpired Monday night. I’m also very aware that this coming Sunday is the 2nd anniversary of my Dad’s death. Maybe I’ll try to work on my recent motorcycle acquisition as a way of connecting with him. I think I need to tear down the carbs and clean / recondition them. And I want to do a valve adjustment since the prior owner had no idea when they were last adjusted.

Bittersweet

I think if I ever wrote an autobiography, I’d title it Bittersweet Remembrances. Every sweet moment in my life is tempered by sorrow. Every single one of my truest hearts desires has died or had to be let go of. Not that good hasn’t come out of some of those (hence the Bittersweet). And my hope is that good would eventually come out of all of them. Just in the moment it can be rough.

Last night, my wife was the closest emotionally to a place that I’ve longed to see her in since we first got together. And I couldn’t be there with her. The pain of what I had to let go of (that coincidentally freed her up to be able to go there) was too great. In time, that pain should fade, and hopefully she’ll still be able to go there. But I really couldn’t be there for her the first time. And that just kills me. She said she didn’t mind (and that it was easier to stay there since I wasn’t similarly emotional too). But it still bugs me.

I’m dreading tonight, and talking about where we are at with our small group. In some ways, I feel like the window of opportunity is closing (or already closed) for it really making an impact on us. Not that the support and prayers aren’t helpful. But we’re both a ways down the road from where we were even two months ago. In fact, the dramatic changes have occurred over the last six weeks.