Yesterday turned out to be a pretty awful day. And to cap it all off, at the end of the day Becky had stomped off in a huff once, I lost my temper with Molly, and then failed twice at something that I can usually do without a problem.
The concrete guy called at like 9 to say - hey, I can start a day earlier if that works for you. So I moved the temporary porch over to cover the well (making it easier to see / protecting it from equipment) mostly by myself, although Becky helped with the last 10 feet or so. Oh well, the sooner it is done, the sooner we’ll be able to start doing the shed construction (leaving a month or so to cure.) I have some sturdy shelving possibilities from my father in law (surplus SUN racks from Hershey). Although I don’t want it to become a dumping ground for crap.
I made it through the weekend, but I’m still struggling with sadness/hurt/anger/trust about our relationship. While last Monday was the final piece of the puzzle for Becky and she’s pretty much moved on, I feel like I’m lagging behind. It didn’t change how bad she hurt me, or how that just takes time to heal. It didn’t magically make her trustworthy, and didn’t even really change the importance of trustworthiness to our relationship. The only way it could do that was if what I took away from it was to totally disengage and disconnect, and I really don’t think that was the desired outcome, even if it is tempting at times. Not that it hasn’t helped. Overall I think the tension level in our relationship is way down from where it had been. Which is nice. We’ve had a nice evening or two just hanging out.
Becky keeps saying that I shouldn’t care who she shares with, it is all her issues / bad / etc. Which it isn’t. But even if she doesn’t emphasize the ways that I failed her in a discussion, I think it has the demonstrated potential to make folks a little more uncomfortable with me. And since that is something that I struggle with in the first place, I think it has more of an impact that she realizes.
I know our relationship struggles have had a major impact on the kids, and want to get through things as quickly as possible for their sake as well. I don’t know how to reassure them, or get them calmed down and making progress on their own personal issues again. From her blog post last night, evidently Becky doesn’t either. I think she needs a break from the kids. To go away and have more than just an hour or two off from them. I suggested that she visit her Granny, but she didn’t seem really receptive to that. Probably at least in part because she doesn’t trust me with the kids. After last night, I don’t blame her although it does add to the list of things making me sad.
The mutant mosquito background noise at work is not helping my overall stress level (they have the world cup coverage on in the kitchen area here). I have a mild earache/headache from allergies, so I can’t wear headphones all day.
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