Cold vs Hate

So I was thinking through my screw up yesterday afternoon, and I realized that while I would never hate Becky, I could very easily slide into being cold towards her. Not because I don’t love her anymore, because no matter what I will still love her, but springing from a self preservation / defenses point of view. When I figured out her latency was killing my productivity, I was way too abrupt about closing off communications. I should have thought about it and given some explanation, although that in and of itself would have been an interrupt. She overreacted to my going offline, and so there was that interrupt anyway. I hate disconnecting from her, especially during the afternoon, but since she was talking to Erin it should have been ok. If she IMs me, I feel like I have to respond. I know the afternoon is a dangerous time for her when it is really easy to slip into depression. So I support her napping (although that has done more harm than good the last few days, it seems). Or if she’s not napping I want to be available to her.

She had a dream where I was utterly cold and indifferent to her this spring, and it really shook her up. I think it was part of what played into her finally confessing the final details to me, as she didn’t want it to come to pass in reality. So I’m trying to be very careful in not accidentally appearing cold, but that requires thought and processing as well.

We had it out a little about things I do and don’t appreciate about her in the same way that others have. I tried to explain that I do struggle with focusing on the positive (and have for most of our relationship), but I’m actively in that fight. I also pointed out that there are some of her quirks that are a lot easier to laugh about / celebrate when you’re not the one who gets to shoulder the extra workload that results from it.

I’m genuinely glad that she is taking this experience and using it to help others. I realize that it can involve intensive communication with those people. And that by extension she is less available to me. It’s just a little rough at the moment because of the difference in where we’re at in processing the last year. Sometimes it still really hurts, a lot. And while she is more isolated from it in some ways, I have to face fallout from it on a regular basis.

I’m kind of enjoying these regular brain dumps as a part of walking through the current emotional turmoil. I think it helps me think through, and then set aside issues so I can focus on work, at least most of the time.