Bittersweet

I think if I ever wrote an autobiography, I’d title it Bittersweet Remembrances. Every sweet moment in my life is tempered by sorrow. Every single one of my truest hearts desires has died or had to be let go of. Not that good hasn’t come out of some of those (hence the Bittersweet). And my hope is that good would eventually come out of all of them. Just in the moment it can be rough.

Last night, my wife was the closest emotionally to a place that I’ve longed to see her in since we first got together. And I couldn’t be there with her. The pain of what I had to let go of (that coincidentally freed her up to be able to go there) was too great. In time, that pain should fade, and hopefully she’ll still be able to go there. But I really couldn’t be there for her the first time. And that just kills me. She said she didn’t mind (and that it was easier to stay there since I wasn’t similarly emotional too). But it still bugs me.

I’m dreading tonight, and talking about where we are at with our small group. In some ways, I feel like the window of opportunity is closing (or already closed) for it really making an impact on us. Not that the support and prayers aren’t helpful. But we’re both a ways down the road from where we were even two months ago. In fact, the dramatic changes have occurred over the last six weeks.