One day at a time

Last night was fun. I feel like I started to understand some of the trade-offs in the FATE system a little better. My character didn’t really have any aspects that I felt I could regularly tap without short term consequences, unlike some of the other characters. A Fate/Dresden version of Takeo will need some sort of rethinking otherwise it will starve for fate points. It has lots of long term story hooks, but little in the way of heat of the moment behavior tweaks.

I woke up this morning, feeling like crap. Emotionally and physically exhausted. I was up 4 times between 1AM and 7AM or so. That makes for a less than restful night. Becky was tired as well, but she insisted on getting up so I could sleep in. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get back to sleep. I tried for 45 minutes or so before giving up. I was still feeling really sad, so Becky and I IMed a little back and forth while I stayed in bed. Eventually my back started to hurt so I got up and took a shower, got dressed, and came downstairs while Becky went back to bed. I should have just gotten up with the kids from the start. It is never worth it when Becky tries to get up with them on a Saturday morning.

I miss my Dad, a lot right now. Tonight at midnight it will be two years. The bike both makes me feel a little closer to him as well as reminding me that he isn’t here to help me wrench, or go riding. Having to let go of my desire for our marriage at the same time as the anniversary of losing him is just a little emotionally overwhelming. Having him “retire” and move back up to PA was one of the few things in my life that I would consider a true hearts desire. And that was taken away from me just when it seemed like it was going to actually happen.

We have a ‘date’ afternoon today. I’m feeling very ambivalent about it (in the truest/original sense of the word). I’m excited about it. But I’m also feeling very nervous about it. Both from a saying something stupid / wrecking the mood possibility. As well as just not being sure how to act. I know that probably sounds pretty silly. But with how much of our relationship and expectations have been demolished, I’m just not always sure what is left / what is ok / what might be rushing it / what just doesn’t really have a part. I feel like we’re almost starting at Ground Zero with just our friendship, but we already have the baggage of 9 years of marriage, 4 kids, a house, etc that makes really ‘starting over’ impossible.

I just want to be done with this and on to the next phase. I’m just completely lost as to how to speed that process up in any measurable way. You’d think I’d be a professional when it comes to grieving things these days. But there still doesn’t seem to be any way to drastically accelerate the process as far as I can tell. So all I can do is take it one day at a time, and hope they gradually get better.