My Blogging Voice

Becky asked me how honest my blog’s voice was since I knew she was reading it. I guess I would say that anything that gets filtered from this gets filtered more because of it being public than because I know she in particular is reading it.

There are spheres of transparency, I guess. There is the core stuff that she and I talk about that is the most detailed. The next level out is still pretty detailed, at least in some areas and is usually just a few close friends. Then comes family / church family / that level of friendship. Then friends in general. I’d say this blog hovers between the family / church family and normal friends levels. I feel like there are some details that have to be carefully censored to protect all the parties involved. Although I’ve shared some pretty raw emotions in it too, so when it comes to just me and where I’m at, it is probably a little higher. And I did leave out a level (or two) depending on how you want to look at it. While there is a lot of overlap, there is still a section of thinking just in my head / just shared with God (since he knows everything I think implicitly, but I do still explicitly talk to him about some of it.)

I think we’re having a fight this morning and I don’t understand it. I asked what I thought were some normal questions but she got really defensive. We talked through it and she felt like historically those questions would have been more attacking / accusatory. And that she thought I was asking a different question than what I actually asked, one that she felt like she answered before. I think we finally resolved it before I left. And finished the resolution over IM after swimming class was over.

I’m so exhausted. I never sleep as well when she’s out of bed. Even after she came to bed at 2, my sleep was better but not as good as I would have liked. Oh well, that is more my problem than anything.

It bothers me when she keeps asking me/almost expecting me to hate her. It makes me wonder if there is another shoe lurking out there waiting to drop? Carrie did her actions in pretty cold blood, and I don’t hate her. Becky wasn’t nearly as cold or malicious in her motivation so why would I hate her?

I sometimes think she misunderstood or misremembers the revelation that I had as well. It wasn’t that I wouldn’t have it with her, it is that I wouldn’t have it, period. No matter who I was with. So even from a purely pragmatic point of view, why would I want to trade in her (who I love and like and already know the issues) and the kids (who I love and like and already know the issues) for someone else who I would still have no chance of that desire being met with, but also no guarantee of love / like / or even reasonable issues. And since I love her, and like her, and we have a deep and lasting friendship, pragmatism doesn’t even enter into the decision.